Jennifer Delahunty, Associate Dean of Admissions at Kenyon College, spoke of her role in her daughter’s college process as that of “wallpaper.” In her collection of essays on parents and the college search, I’m Going to College –Not You, Delahunty says, “I wanted this to be her experience entirely, but I knew she was watching me for clues. It’s not easy to impersonate wallpaper.” She went on to describe the role as so “ill-defined that we end up feeling like something between a taxi driver and a walking checkbook.”
When my oldest child began the college process three years ago, friends asked her if I was going to be her college counselor. She was horrified, panicked actually, by the thought. I found it amusing. I knew full well that she needed an objective sounding board, an experienced voice, and a friendly ear when it came to the college process, and more importantly, someone who wasn’t a parent to shepherd her through it. As a college counselor, I know how essential that person is to a stressed out senior – that well-informed third party who listens, guides, supports, and listens some more. As a parent, the way forward isn’t as clear. Let’s be honest – we’re rarely objective when it comes to our own children. Are our choices truly wallpaper, taxi driver or checkbook? How to be involved in a constructive way can sometimes be elusive.
As you can imagine, I have thought a lot about this topic. Because it would be easy for me to interject myself in my children’s college search, I read about the warning signs. The unheeded reminders to register for the SAT that become a visit to the College Board website to create the account and the password and to register the student for the test. Innocent enough. I’ve seen parents on college tours and information sessions who do all of the talking while the silent teen looks on. That could easily be me. And then there are the well-intentioned edits to a college essay that become substantial rewrites and suddenly a new essay, or the list of colleges on the Common App that the parent added, unbeknownst to the student. These are obvious pitfalls, but also all too common. What about the ones we don’t see coming, the ones that undermine the very independence, self-confidence and initiative we hope our students will develop during their college search.
Our responsibility is, of course, to introduce some parameters if they exist. If cost or location is a determining factor, for example, early on we must be clear about them. The question becomes, when does the supportive parent morph into the hovering, helicoptering, or snowplowing variety? For answers, I went to the experts – Tabor seniors. I asked them what advice they would give parents in the process, and what they wish their own parents had done differently.
Many of the comments from students were about stress. “Lots of the stress comes from trying to reach parents’ expectations. It’s important to know how competitive the process is. I appreciate my parents’ belief in me, but it would have been better to also have realistic expectations so that I didn’t feel inadequate.” Another said, “We want to get into college just as much as you want us to. Trust me.” Honesty was another theme. “Tell us from the beginning about your wants and needs (financial aid specifically), but remember, your wants may not always line up with our aspirations. If we truly have a choice about where we go to college, give us the choice.” Ultimately, for most of the seniors, it was about listening. “Remember that we are as stressed as you are about this process – probably more. When it comes to hearing back from schools and making a decision, people bombard us with questions. Please just listen to what we have to say about schools and what we want.” And finally, “We love you, even if we don’t agree with you.”
I enjoyed the college search process with my daughter, and look forward to another unique journey with my son this spring. While they are different people, with different goals and talents, my job remains the same, not just taxi driver or checkbook, but supportive listener and loving guide. As Jennifer Delahunty said, “Whichever college (your child) attends will, as it should, matter much less than the quality of the relationship that evolved between the two of you as you traveled the long and winding road toward college.”
